Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Randomize
