this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
