I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
These tits shall not be calmed
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
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