This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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