My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize