you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
