Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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