Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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