the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Randomize
