watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
