May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
