Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
The adults are the big ones right?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
