I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
