I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
