Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
