sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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