He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
