I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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