I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Randomize
