He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
