we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Just puked most of my soul out..
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
