My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
