Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
