it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Randomize
