Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
