Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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