Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
