...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
