I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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