its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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