Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Randomize
