Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize