Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
