my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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