guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
