My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I believe in your delicious
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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