what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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