Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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