if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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