the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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