my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
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