At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
