garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
Randomize
