Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize