In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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