my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
