hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
