do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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