Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize