I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
