You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize