I think my vagina is haunted
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
