Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
