How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
