she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize